Monday, 22 January 2007
Nervous Breakdown?

Today I just cracked.  It’s been a long time since this happened.  This
morning I just couldn’t get out of bed, and I just stayed in bed all day,
oscillating between sleep and being awake – but probably all in all packing
away about 8 – 10 hours of sleep.  This comes after I’d already slept most of
Saturday and Sunday.

Last night I re-did my budgets, and suddenly realized just how close we are
to running out of money totally.  I also just feel as if there are so many things
that I need to get done, and I just don’t have the energy and the time.  My
office is a mess and our garden is a mess.  I have no time, no energy and
we are running out of money.  That’s the way I feel.

Maybe I’m really sick – I’m not actually quite sure.  


What was happening here?

In hindsight, I now know that what I'd been doing, was running literally for
years, against my natural self.  I was trying to perform well, I was trying to
drive myself too hard.  Every now and again I would hit these times when I
just became so depressed that I could not get out of bed.

If I didn't have a family at the time that depended on me, I would almost
without doubt have committed suicide.

Why did I keep going in this way, though?  

Why did I not make a major change?  

Maybe the reason was that all of this was still not painful enough for me to
force a change.

Maybe I really believed that I didn't have a choice.  I didn't realize that there
was an alternative approach to life, from the way I was living it.

Or maybe I was so burnt-out and mostly so depressed that I was unable to
recognize the fact that there was something fundamentally wrong with my life.

So did I fix it immediately?

The short answer is "No," but I did eventually succeed in making things
much, much better than what they were at this point in my life.

Have you reached the end of your strength?

Or do you simply feel that you need to make some major improvements in
your life?

I hope that as I take you with me on this journey, that you might be able to
learn with me some of the life skills I'd learnt, that helped me make some
significant changes to my life.
Reaching the End of my Strength